me
my life
speak to me
visit my friends
remember the past
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I am myself.
ahlay@hotmail.com.
17.
student.
i love to slp.
The way I want to be.
I'm just waiting to fly away.
Wrapped up in my cocoon.
Silently, patiently waiting.
One day I will be free.
And I will be beautiful.
And I will not be afraid to be me.
But till then, I'll wait.
星期四, 五月 19, 2005
hmmmmmm..... now ordy 11pm.. da ben dan still nt online.. tink he slp le bahz... ** bless him wif a nice dream ** .. hahaz...[slp more bahz..]
today oh. sad arh.. may n dia left the skool without telling me... #$%$#^.. hahaz.. in the end .. hmm.. stay at skool force chiouling play jj's 'yi qian nian yi jian' let me listen.. hahaz.. then suppose to b da ben dan accompany me after tat.. in the end is i watch da ben dan eat.. then saw veron(3n2).. **shy** ..hahaz.. hmm.. then da ben dan after tat send me home then rush to wellson's hse.. kinda guilty.. made him so rush everytime.. ehhh..... hahaz.. everytime will rain if da ben dan need to rush to wellson hse after meeting me.. hahaz. kinda weird.. hmmm
[2mnths 02 days to our first anniversary - racial harmony day]wo.. realising i havent been toking much abt my result in my blog eh? perharps i hav change in some ways.. eh.. nt so worry abt my result.. wat's over alrdy over.. i only can study hard... result is nt tat important eh? mayb i m saying all these bcoz i m too depress for my result.. haiz.. compare to my term 1 result.. arhz... sad arh.. if i tink too much i will suffer from depression.. hahaz..
[study? it's juz a form of pressure.. tat kills the innocent of every child]
then eh hmm.. i tink i m a third class lever? needed more effort in order to lift up a load... hahaz.. tink i m obsess in dnt eh.. after tis rd of exams.. hmm.. i realise smth.. i shldnt b studying so hard eh.. my results show me tat.. i gt gd result when i dun study.. bt when i study.. haiz.. i gt everything mixed up.. n my mood now is lyk kinda disappointed..
i m stress n tire..over my family n exams.. only da ben dan can make me feel relax n happy ... :) ... aiyaya.. now i learnt how to take things easy.. dun needa b so serious in my everything.. otherwise i will b ended up pressuring myself..
[i m troubled by everything.. nth goes smoothly for me]tell u guys a secret oh.. hahaz.. i started writing personnal diary.. hahaz..i used to think tat writing diary is stupid... hahaz.. bt after blogging.. i realize i have more to write.. things which cannot tell others.. only my dear diary.. i can tell all my problems to it.. bt i tink the only thing i wont write is abt da ben dan bahz.. i really scare 1 day.. eh.. my bro will noe abt da ben dan.. n my life is over.. perharps.. they will stop me from seeing da ben dan? i dunno.. i only want to spend my every moment wif da ben dan.. tat time hmm.. i used to b regretted abt accepting da ben dan.. i scare tat i will b hurt.. scare tat i couldn't give da ben dan much... i m kinda stupid right? now then i realize.. luv isnt abt having a perfect ending lyk fairy tales.. it's abt enjoying urself.. grab hold of every min n seconds.. wat da ben dan give me is enough.. i wish tat we could remain lyk this 4ever.. lyk what da ben dan say : [wish the time will stop for us.. so we can stay lyk this 4ever..]... how i wish.. it can cum true.. although i dun believe in 4ever.. bt i wish thr's a miracle.. '4ever' .. it sounds so simple yet complex..
[i fall into a deep well.. it's so deep tat i couldnt climb up.. i rather die inside than being rescue to the land - it's the well of luv]
everytime .. when i had a gd time wif da ben dan.. i will started to get worry.. wat if all these vanish in a sec? will i go crazy? i hate this feeling.. i hate it.. bt i couldn't control it.. i really hope.. hope tat da ben dan n i can stay lyk this 4ever... i have put in too much.. too much tat i couldnt give it up.. thx da ben dan.. u add colours to my life... u r oways thr 4 me.. everything u do.. seems to b simple.. bt it's sweet too.. i want to b selfish.. a selfish gal that want u to stay wif her 4ver.. :D
[if what happen btw us right now is a dream.. i will slp 4ever]
y.... haiz... y.. i m jealous when i see my friends n their family..their parents are lyk their friends.. could speak anything to them.. bt.. for my case... i suppose it's a sad 1.. may always say tat i hav a gd bro? erm? do i? haiz.. my bros.. sometimes i m really happy tat i could play wif them.. they r gd to me .. bt wat's the use? my mum is bias. my big bro.. he can do anything he want.. go out play for whole day wif his friends... he could b slping down thr while my mum force me to do hsewk.. haiz.. my sec bro.. haiz.. he's my fav of my mum eh?.. everything gd goes to him.. he failed his eng o'levels for so many times..[ a few more times to publish a ahlay's bro eng tys] .. in the end my mum will juz say tat it's my fault tat i did nt communicate wif him in eng.. bt as u guys could see.. my eng sux.. i juz failed my mid year by 1 mark.. none of my family members noe abt it.. otherwise i will b scolded again. haiz.. as for me.. my mum only see the faults n flaws in me.. so what if i gt top in class? so wat if i gt top for many subjs.? she wont even praise me.. she will juz find a me nusiance...
[my family members - my biggest and closest enemy]
sianz... every1.. every1 tot tat i m a cheerful gal.. without any trouble.. i juz hate to appear weak infront of the others.. i hate hearing ppl asking :' oh lay.. r u alright? y do u seems so sad?' .. ppl out thr.. rmb.. i m nt happy oways.. i will get tire too alright? ... haiz.. i really wish i can b sum1 tat get wild n crazy wif my friends.. fight for everything i want.. haiz.. bt if 1 day.. shld b 10mins.. if i dun smile of 10mins.. ppl will say tat thr's smth wrong wif me.. i really want to b the real me.. bt i hav no courage to do it..
[the mask of cheerful... only make me feel tire n even more unhappy]
One day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday.
11:26 下午
